


(in another life) i would make you stay

by orphan_account



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 03:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10505670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: People think they’re meant to be, but Jaebum thinks they cannot be.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [littlescallion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlescallion/gifts).



Five words.

 

_“I am not happy anymore.”_

 

The end of their relationship is down to five words.

 

 _Twelve and a half years_ , they both say. _Twelve years, five months, and twenty-four days_ , to be exact.

 

The twelve years, five months, and twenty-four days Jaebum had with Jinyoung felt like an eternity. It felt like time froze the moment Jinyoung pulled Jaebum down by the neck to kiss him fully on his lips, agape with awe and surprise. Jaebum could still feel Jinyoung’s warm palm on his nape, the other caressing his cheekbones as if feeling if he’s real, if he’s not an illusion of his sleep-deprived brain. Jaebum could still hear the way Jinyoung whimpered against his lips when he pulled the younger closer by the waist, his hand resting on the small of Jinyoung’s back and the other tucking locks of hair behind his ear. And like it all happened yesterday, Jaebum could still see the way Jinyoung’s eyes fluttered close when he slipped his tongue inside the younger’s mouth, the way Jinyoung’s lashes fanned his cheeks and the way his nose scrunched up when Jaebum pulled away slightly only to lean down and kiss him again, nibbling at his plump lower lip and tasting his every corner.

 

In those twelve years, five months, and twenty-four days, Jaebum tasted a glimpse of forever. Of infinity. Of eternity. And as much as it pained Jaebum to hear Jinyoung speak like a stranger in the apartment they shared for a decade, he couldn’t hate Jinyoung. Jaebum couldn’t hate the one person he loves the most. Jaebum couldn’t hate Jinyoung, because for twelve years, five months, and twenty-four days, Jinyoung gave Jaebum everything he wanted.

 

Him.

 

* * *

 

Jaebum and Jinyoung weren’t married, but everyone else thought that they were. For years, they had been living with each other, referred to each other’s parents like they would their own, and spent every day waking up cuddled by the other, so they might as well have been married.

 

But they weren’t, so Jaebum decided to make it official.

 

Jaebum bought the engagement ring in France. It’s a simple rose gold knot ring that he’s sure would freak Jinyoung out if he’d ever find out the price, but Jaebum didn’t mind splurging for the ring as long as Jinyoung would wear it. The proposal itself wasn’t planned to be grand, just him dropping the question once Jinyoung woke up on Jaebum’s birthday, asking the younger for his hand as Jinyoung rubbed his eyes off of sleep and felt Jaebum around the bed with his grabby hands.

 

Nothing extravagant, but after the breakup, even the _waking up with Jinyoung_ part won’t happen anymore.

 

“I’ll sleep on the guest room so I wouldn’t be a bother,” Jinyoung said the night he got back from Los Angeles a few days after Jaebum’s birthday, the sweater underneath the coat he just took off folded until before his elbows. Jinyoung’s arms looked as milky as ever, and Jaebum wondered if he could still feel them under his hold, under the warmth of his lips.

 

Maybe never again.

 

“Yeah, sure,” Jaebum replied blank-mindedly, still surprised that Jinyoung was actually in their apartment. Jinyoung, who was in Australia for two years, and then in LA for a few months; Jinyoung, who Jaebum hadn’t seen properly for a few years except for the few times he met with Jinyoung to celebrate their anniversary and the younger’s birthday when he was still back in Australia; and Jinyoung, who, after months of invisibility, only sent an email to Jaebum telling him he’d pick his things up because he didn’t want spending too much buying new things for his new place.

 

* * *

 

Twelve years, five months, and twenty-four days seems like a short amount of time especially for people who have an abyssal level of love achieved by sticking with each other through ups and downs, but for Jaebum, it’s his forever.

 

Jaebum met Jinyoung at the library when the younger literally fell over him. Jinyoung was going down the ladder after fetching three hardbound Math books from the seventh level of the shelf when the ladder wobbled, toppling Jinyoung down with thousand-paged books on his arms. Jaebum was an unsuspecting student who was about to ask for assistance when Jinyoung fell on him, almost knocking him unconscious with all the weight that toppled over him.

 

In the end, Jinyoung was unable to study for his pre-final exam because his guilt made him accompany Jaebum in the infirmary for the whole afternoon, endlessly chatting about how Math was so fun and solving theories was a hobby of his. Jaebum had never felt so mentally tortured by a conversation before, but Jinyoung looked so adorable with his stories about postulates, so Jaebum let him be.

 

Until Jinyoung stopped talking completely and just stared at Jaebum who had his hands on his head, holding the ice pack over his bruised skull.

 

_Can I kiss you?_

 

Jaebum could still feel the shock that sent shivers up his spine, and he spent a whole minute wondering silently if Jinyoung was fooling him or about to crack up or was just plain curious, but he nodded nevertheless because his traitorous mind continuously nudged him about how wonderful the words would feel like if Jaebum straight up took them out of the younger’s lips.

 

And nodding at Jinyoung’s sudden outburst was one of those unreasonably illogical decisions that he couldn’t explain but didn’t regret.

 

Looking back, Jaebum thinks he didn’t fall in love with the way Jinyoung’s lips glided smoothly against his own, or at any of the sensations that Jinyoung’s caress brought upon him. Jaebum knows he fell in love with the after-kiss blinding smile that Jinyoung sent his way, the late afternoon sunlight that seeped through the curtains of the room haloing Jinyoung’s face angelically, his sharp edges softening at the pale glow of the natural light.

 

One smile is all it took for Jaebum to fall in love.

 

Twelve years, five months, and twenty-four days is all the time from the first day they met up to the day Jinyoung visited Jaebum in New York only to tell him he’s breaking up with him. Twelve years, five months, and twenty-four days is inclusive of the excruciatingly slow years they patiently went through progressing from flirting friends to best friends with benefits to becoming official. Most people say theirs was a love at first sight, and it probably was, but as fast as their first day escalated, the following months were spent waiting. No rush. No deadlines. They slowed down after their breathtaking first kiss at the infirmary with Jaebum nursing his bruised head, because deep down, they both knew that each other weren’t just someone temporary—they knew, from the start, that they’d end up together. They knew they weren’t each other’s flings; they knew that they’re in for the long haul.

 

Jaebum and Jinyoung had plans. They knew what they wanted to do after years of playing around. They knew where they wanted to settle down after years of moving around. They knew who they wanted to watch the late night movies with and who they wanted to eat the late night pizza delivery with.

 

Until it’s just Jaebum who is definite that he wants everything with Jinyoung.

 

Somewhere along the way, Jinyoung lost sight of the vivid picture he once pictured was with Jaebum. Somehow, while they’re on their way to achieving their long-term dreams, Jinyoung found someone he felt like he’d prefer spending the rest of his life with.

 

Jinyoung started to drift away, and Jaebum could only watch him with tear-filled eyes and broken heart.

 

Leaving Jinyoung for a year was Jaebum’s biggest mistake.

 

Jaebum had to fly to the company’s headquarter in New York for training, so he’d be qualified for an executive position later in the near future. If it weren’t for work, Jaebum wouldn’t fly thousand miles away from home alone. He’d bring Jinyoung. Because for years, they’d always been _Jaebum-and-Jinyoung_. Since they got together, they were never seen as individuals anymore, but as a single entity in themselves.

 

But Jinyoung had work as well, and Jaebum couldn’t take that away from him, so he took Jinyoung’s acceptance unwillingly. _It’s okay, baby. We can always Skype._ Jinyoung was smiling when he told Jaebum this, his palms on both of Jaebum’s cheeks, but Jaebum knew his heart was weeping.

 

It was a mistake to ignore the ache of their separation’s ensuing longing, until it wasn’t just a mistake. Until leaving Jinyoung for a year became the start of their relationship’s downfall.

 

Eight months into training and the big bosses asked Jaebum to stay for a few more years and work at the headquarters. Jaebum declined. And then his boss offered to double, triple his salary, but Jaebum refused to extend his stay. Because Jaebum didn’t need the money; Jaebum needed his Jinyoung. When the higher ups told Jaebum to think it through, he told Jinyoung this, but the younger unexpectedly told him to extend his stay because it’s for his own good.

 

 _I was offered a scholarship in Australia, and the dean said I could work on the research project there while I was studying for my post grad,_ Jinyoung explained, offering Jaebum a closed-lipped smile from the other end of the planet. _I wouldn’t be at the apartment for at least two years, anyway, so you could tell your boss that you’re okay with extending._

 

Jaebum didn’t want to argue further because Jinyoung looked ready to win the argument, so he told his boss he’d stay.

 

And then he realized, he had their relationship crumbling down in pieces with his own hands.

 

Because Jinyoung met Mark in Australia.

 

* * *

 

Two days with Jinyoung and Jaebum thinks he’s living with a Martian.

 

For one, the Jinyoung living with Jaebum right now knows how to cook. His Jinyoung wasn’t even allowed to cross the threshold going to the kitchen, lest their entire unit would burn to ashes in five minutes flat.

 

Jaebum didn’t voice out the shocking and obvious change the first time he saw the younger wearing Jaebum’s apron – Jinyoung didn’t have an apron because he couldn’t cook _before_ – and tasting the soup on his spoon, his left hand resting on his hips as he critiqued his own dish. It was the very next morning upon Jinyoung’s arrival, and if seeing the kitchen intact wasn’t enough of a surprise, Jaebum realized he actually woke up to a bathed and prepared for work Jinyoung.

 

Jinyoung never woke up before Jaebum did in the past. It was always Jaebum waking up to Jinyoung’s alarm, and him spending the next twenty minutes or so trying to wake the younger up who sleeps like a tired dog. It was more than okay of a task, though, because Jinyoung looked extra ethereal bathed in the early morning sunlight, his jaws and cheekbones catching the glow of the rising sun.

 

Another change that surprised Jaebum even before the fact that Jinyoung was actually in their apartment for the time being sunk in his head was the clean sink and bathroom when he entered to take a bath, his subconscious actually missing the mess that the bathroom becomes whenever Jinyoung was inside.

 

Jinyoung always demanded that Jaebum keep his DVDs arranged and his dirty clothes in the hamper and his puzzles on their boxes if he wouldn’t finish them, and it was actually endearing to hear Jinyoung’s nagging voice whenever he found dust on his books that he suspected Jaebum was the reason of, but Jinyoung never cleaned after himself. There would always be socks and briefs and boxers shorts clattered on the floor and the corners, a few sinking in between the cushions of the couch; there would always be unclean plates on the sink and used glasses on the table; there would always be a book sitting on a place it shouldn’t be on (e.g. _Nora’s litter box_ ); and the most evident mess Jinyoung always left would be the disaster that the bathroom would become after he stepped out of.

 

Once Jaebum stepped inside the bathroom that morning, it was as if no one came in before he did. The toothbrushes were properly kept on their places, and the toothpaste tube wasn’t left open under the faucet. The dirty clothes that Jaebum was used to seeing on the tiled floor of the bathroom weren’t there—Jinyoung probably had kept them already in the hamper in the guest room, though Jaebum wouldn’t know because he was afraid to step inside the room and realize he’d been living with a stranger. Stepping under the shower, Jaebum noted how the shampoo bottle was closed, and the soap wasn’t on the floor waiting to crack Jaebum’s skull in half. Overall, the bathroom was as proper as Jaebum left it the night before—and it was painful.

 

It was painful to see how different Jinyoung had been living when Jaebum’s body was still reflexively doing the littlest habits that he got from the younger.

 

One day, and it was as if the twelve years, five months, and twenty-four days of being together didn’t affect Jinyoung in any way.

 

As much as Jaebum wants to keep the comments about the changes that Jinyoung is unconsciously doing around him, he can’t help but slip it beneath his answer when Jinyoung asks about Nora the next morning, the two of them doing different things on a kitchen that was once a witness of their early morning slow dances.

 

“She’s in my room,” Jaebum replies as he peels a tangerine and hands it to Jinyoung by habit, retracting his hands back quickly as if chastising himself when Jinyoung looked at him with wide, surprised eyes. “You know how strangers frighten her.”

 

“Stranger?” Jinyoung muses, though Jaebum doesn’t answer but gives him a shrug instead. And then, as if hit by a late realization, Jinyoung’s eyes open in surprise before he looks down bashfully, muttering a soft “Oh, right. Sorry.”

 

The fact that Nora is becoming aloof and scared of Jinyoung is alarming, because Jaebum knows Nora loves Jinyoung more than she does Jaebum who has been feeding her and taking care of her since she was a kitten, but right now, after appearing last night without so much as a hello to Jaebum while he was toeing off his shoes, Jinyoung still hasn’t seen the cat’s shadow. Nora’s tail is lowered even when the door to Jaebum’s room is closed and she’s just pacing around, and whenever she senses Jinyoung is nearby, she jumps in Jaebum’s hamper and doesn’t come out until Jaebum calls for her when Jinyoung left for the day.

 

“Don’t worry about her,” Jaebum says with a smile, nodding towards the direction of his room where Nora is still sound asleep, “she’ll get used to it.” Maybe. And afterwards, maybe Jaebum can get used to being estranged with Jinyoung too.

 

* * *

 

“Two weeks, hyung,” Jinyoung tells Jaebum that night after the younger returned from wherever he went, his footsteps light as he takes long strides going to his room.

 

“Two weeks?” Jaebum yells through the closed door of Jinyoung’s room after falling unceremoniously on the floor as he tries to catch Nora who immediately jumped away from his lap upon Jinyoung’s entrance.

 

“I’m processing my papers so I can officially resign from teaching here and transfer, and the registrar’s office told me I only need two weeks max before the process is over. So you only have to deal with me for two weeks,” the younger explains as he walks towards the kitchen, Jaebum twisting around to kneel on the couch and watch him prepare ramyun. “Did you eat already or should I prepare food for two?”

 

“No, I…,” _was waiting for you so I could cook what you want_ is what Jaebum’s about to say, but he sounds like his old Jinyoung’s boyfriend self, and it doesn’t sound right and might scare Jinyoung somehow, so he stops himself in time and instead says, “ate outside already. Don’t worry about me.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“So, you’re really moving out of the country,” Jaebum inquires trying to learn more about the guy he once used to know everything about, his tone hopefully calm and curious instead of accusatory. “You’re going to teach in LA?”

 

“Yeah,” he replies quietly, eyes away from Jaebum. “My professors in Australia referred me, so I just have to properly leave work here so I can move.”

 

“Must be great,” Jaebum mutters as he stands up, and realizing he sounds too bitter for someone who is supposedly happy for his beloved’s achievements, he adds with a forced enthused voice, “Congratulations, Jinyoungie.” Jinyoung smiles beautifully at Jaebum, and unable to deal with the blinding smile that he usually kisses off the younger’s face, he excuses himself to follow Nora in his room, muttering the lamest reason that probably made Jinyoung cringe in bafflement: _she might be eating my pants for all we know, so I should check her out._

 

Of course, Nora isn’t eating Jaebum’s pants. When Jaebum enters the room, she’s by the door, biting at the peach-shaped pillow that Jinyoung bought for her when she was still little, her ears pressed against her head in worry, or maybe fear of the alien eating his dinner in the dining area. Jaebum smiles somberly at her and pats her head, walking past her to throw himself on the bed he used to share with the alien outside.

 

When Jaebum closes his eyes to rid himself of painful thoughts, he feels Nora traipse across his body until she’s resting by his neck, her wet nose poking Jaebum’s pointed one comfortingly, her tail rubbing against his stomach.

 

At least, there’s a hint of familiarity amidst all the eccentricity.

 

* * *

 

Nora is always, _always_ by the shoe rack beside the door waiting to jump on Jaebum’s face at night, waiting for the door to open and reveal Jaebum who misses her as much as she misses him, so when the door clicks shut behind him and the cat is neither on his face scratching his nose nor on his head eating his hair, Jaebum’s forehead immediately crumpled in confusion, eyes wary as he looks around to find Nora.

 

“Looking for Nora?” Jinyoung asks, his voice echoing in the empty apartment.

 

“Oh, you’re here,” he replies instead as he stacks his shoes on the rack, surprised at how well-kept the rack is even in Jinyoung’s presence. And then, forlornly, he realizes the one he’s living with is the new Jinyoung, and somehow, the juvenile part of his mind missing his Jinyoungie nudges Jaebum to topple down the rack, shoes and slippers and sandals falling down with a loud thump. “Where is she?”

 

“The kids took her,” Jinyoung answers, definitely ignoring the crash that Jaebum left by the door. It’s going to be a test of wills to see who’s going to fix the mess, and Jaebum is intent on letting it be in futile revenge.

 

“Oh,” Jaebum says, before he takes a look at the kitchen only to see Jinyoung wearing a new apron. “You’re cooking… a lot.”

 

“As always, the kids invited themselves for dinner, so I was cooking for seven,” he explains, a fond smile on his lips at the thought of Youngjae, Bambam, and Yugyeom. “Ayeon already said she’ll join us, and Jackson will definitely do, because he never passes on a free meal.”

 

It feels achingly surreal to hear the stranger speak like Jaebum’s Jinyoung, and he wants to pathetically hug _this_ Jinyoung, sniff his shoulder and wrap his arms around his waist, but he can’t. With the way Jinyoung moves around the kitchen like he knows how every single thing on the cupboard is used and how much of every single condiment to add to the food he’s cooking, Jaebum is reminded that this guy, is not his anymore.

 

“Yeah, well, nothing changed much around here,” Jaebum says, hoping he doesn’t sound as morose as his heart feels. _Except you left us all,_ he wants to add, but says instead, “Jackson won’t stop teasing you once he sees you cooking.”

 

Jinyoung chuckles, and it sounds like the music Jaebum can feel would be playing in his funeral. “Well, Mark and I can’t forever live with take-outs and instant foods, can we?”

 

And there goes Jaebum’s heart heavily sinking down the deepest depths of hell.

 

“Of course,” he says with a laugh that would definitely bother and worry _his_ Jinyoung, but only got ignored and neglected by _this_ Jinyoung. Thankfully, Jaebum hears the sound of a password being inputted by the door, so he tells Jinyoung he’ll go see the kids for a moment.

 

“Appa!” three voices call out in chorus, a loud purr mewling in between voices. Jaebum kneels down to fetch Nora and scratch her behind her ears, her paws going flat on Jaebum’s cheek.

 

“Who allowed you to kidnap my baby, huh?” Jaebum growls in fake anger, and the three kids just scoff at him before jumping on him, almost sending them tumbling down hadn’t he kept his balance quickly.

 

“Jinyoungie-appa!” Youngjae answers, his arms choking Jaebum by the neck.

 

“He said we could play with Nora before dinner,” Yugyeom explains, his hands wrapped around Jaebum’s waist under Youngjae’s weight.

 

“Fine, fine,” Jaebum gives in when Bambam wormed himself on his lap, the three boys smelling of sweat and sun and the outside air. “Now, get off me because I need to change.”

 

“And you three need to shower before eating,” Jinyoung calls, who is suddenly by the living room watching them with his hands on his hips. “You all stink! Shower now, because dinner is ready.” Yugyeom looks like he’s about to argue, his mouth opening to retort, but Jinyoung widens his eyes at him and in two seconds, they’re all running out of the apartment, Bambam shouting a meek _Jinyoungie-appa, why do you always topple down the shoe rack!!!_ Before Jinyoung can question him about the mess, Jaebum is already carrying Nora inside his room, getting ready to shower and avoid the younger’s accusing glare.

 

Fifteen minutes later and Jaebum is sitting down with everyone and enduring the torturously slowest dinner of his life.

 

The kids don’t seem to notice, but Ayeon is definitely giving him an inquisitive glare every time he stops mid-air as he’s about to feed Jinyoung a kimbab, and Jackson is also aware of how Jinyoung is actually seated on a different chair instead of Jaebum’s lap—which was almost always the case whenever they invited people in their apartment before, as they didn’t have that many chairs in the place. Whenever Jaebum catches Ayeon’s eyes, he just smiles at him and offers her kimchi, and though she accepts, the look on her eyes still speaks volumes: _we’re talking later._ Jackson is also sending him the same look, though less subtle, but if Jinyoung is good at hiding whatever he’s feeling, then Jaebum is better at avoiding talking about what bothers him most.

 

Jackson visibly wants to call him on it an hour after dinner but the kids are already dragging them out of the house, insisting on brushing their teeth already and changing to their pajamas before going back to Jaebum’s apartment to sleep for the night.

 

“They didn’t know yet?” Jinyoung asks as he wipes dry the plates that Ayeon washed, his head hanging between his shoulders and not looking back.

 

“About what?” Jaebum wants to hear Jinyoung say the words he can’t say out loud, mostly because he knows Jinyoung won’t say it in fear of twisting the knife wedged in Jaebum’s heart.

 

But fuck his heart. Fuck his feelings. Jaebum wants to hear it from Jinyoung so it gets real, so Jaebum can start moving on for real.

 

“Hyung,” Jinyoung whines.

 

“No, tell me.”

 

“Hyung, don’t make me say it.”

 

“Just say it, Jinyoung. It’s a decision you made.”

 

“Jaebum.”

 

Jaebum scoffs. “We haven’t even talked about it after you walked out of my apartment in New York.”

 

“Why are you doing this to me?” Jinyoung asks, putting the towel down and looking at Jaebum, his hands supporting him as he leans against the kitchen counter.

 

“Why did you do _that_ to me?” Jaebum retorts, affronted and offended and hurt.

 

The silence stretches on for what feels like an eternity, but then the doors opens noisily and they hear three voices speaking nonstop, the sound of heavy footsteps and futons being pulled on the floor reverberating inside the apartment, distracting Jaebum and Jinyoung from the impending doom of the direction their conversation is heading towards.

 

“I haven’t told anyone about the breakup yet,” Jaebum tells Jinyoung before he meets the kids, a wide smile covering up his brokenness eating up his face as he asks them of what movies to watch.

 

* * *

 

Jaebum wakes up the next day with giggles and a hushed nagging voice coming out of the kitchen.

 

“Be careful with the stool – Yugyeom, _please_ don’t step over Youngjae’s thighs—!”

 

“Jinyoungie-appa, there’s no cereal box here either!”

 

“Shh, Bammie don’t scream—Jaebummie-appa is still asleep.”

 

“Okay, sorry, but we’ve got—“

 

“There’s no more cereal left,” Jaebum speaks to where he’s leaning by the kitchen island, watching the chaos that Jinyoung is struggling to tone down. “And I said no going up the island, didn’t I?” he chastises gently as he pulls Yugyeom away from the kitchen island where he’s opening a cabinet. Yugyeom giggles as he embraces Jaebum by the neck, and Youngjae jumps up on him as well. “Stop kissing my neck like you’re three,” he says as he puts the two on the floor, but much to his chagrin, they only attach themselves to each of his legs, weighing his every step heavier.

 

“Appa!” Bambam calls from where Jinyoung is standing in front of him ready to give him a piggyback ride, “There is no food here!”

 

“We can always fry chickens,” Jaebum winks at him, earning a high-pitched giggle from the younger.

 

“You can’t feed them fried food so early in the morning,” Jinyoung deadpans with a glare sent straight to Jaebum.

 

“Just this once!” the three chorus, and in five seconds, the kitchen is a chaos again as the kids look for the chicken legs and breading and crumbs.

 

Jaebum only watches the four of them as they prepare their breakfast, watches Jinyoung with fond eyes as he sees a glimpse of _his_ Jinyoung courtesy of the kids, the younger male’s face messy with flour and kiss marks from them.

 

The two of them basically saw the three kids grow up into the naughtier versions of themselves now, watched as Ayeon and Brian moved in their apartment complex with baby Youngjae and baby Yugyeom in their arms, and came with Jackson when their Chinese neighbor decided it’s about time for him to adopt a kid that he’ll introduce to his parents when he visit them, the guy immediately growing fond of little Bambam with skinny arms and even skinnier legs. The three kids aren’t their own, but as they grow up in Jaebum and Jinyoung’s company, they treat the two of them as two more fathers, walking in and out of their apartment like they would their own, inviting themselves over for meals and sleepovers.

 

When Jaebum was in New York, Jinyoung would sometimes invite over the three when he’s available for a video call, and Jaebum missed the three like his own children. For a few months, they bothered Jinyoung and became a distraction, making Jaebum proud that they always reminded their Jinyoungie-appa to _eat now, it’s time to bring Nora out, and you’re out of supply so let’s go to the grocery._

 

When Jinyoung was in Australia, the three, with the help of their parents, tried their best to communicate with the two of them, though mostly Jaebum would call them instead for convenience. Even from afar, the three would keep Jaebum happy with their stories from school, their baby crushes, their stars for doing great in school and their medals for achieving high grades. Jaebum would also know that Jinyoung called the three as they would say, telling him how Jinyoung looked better by the day and how he tried to attempt doing the Australian accent.

 

It’s endearing, but right now it’s tearing Jaebum’s heart apart to see glimpses of Jinyoung acting like the father he was, is, to the kids. Glimpse. What Jinyoung completely was in the past, is now only a part of him that’s probably just a bad habit he can’t get rid of.

 

“Are you coming with us?” Jinyoung asks after breakfast when he’s cleaning the dishes, eyes on him as he rests his chin at the back of his palm. “Though the kids will definitely throw a tantrum if you don’t come.” The kids would mind if Jaebum won’t come, but Jinyoung wouldn’t probably even bat an eyelash whether he comes or not.

 

Jaebum wants to say _no, I’d just stay here and sulk alone at the corner of what used to be_ our _room_ , but then Jinyoung’s voice echoes repeatedly in his head: _two weeks, hyung._ Two weeks might probably what Jaebum has left with Jinyoung, so as masochistic as he may seem, he nods a yes, excusing himself after drying his hands to take a bath.

 

* * *

 

The thing about being in a relationship with someone for too long and living with them for most of your relationship is that you pick up on each other’s little habits.

 

Leisure reading was Jaebum’s thing, but later in their togetherness, it had become a routine: Jaebum would buy a supposedly good book, Jinyoung would read it even before Jaebum could put down the paper bag where the book was, and Jaebum would read the book later depending on two instances—if Jinyoung liked the book enough to recommend it to Jaebum, or if Jaebum found the book at a dark corner after Jinyoung stashed it _just somewhere_ because it wasn’t too good of a read.

 

Jinyoung’s thing was the unhealthy eating. It would always be him who’d bring home junk foods and chips and soju and carbonated drinks, and also some gummies that are either too sweet or too sour for Jaebum’s liking. But as someone who had always disliked throwing food no matter the form, Jaebum ended up eating Jinyoung’s leftover junks, got used to tilting his head up and peeking inside the chip bags to take the crumbs left.

 

And there are also the little details that are definitely too hard to forget, like the flavor of ice cream they each always get when they’re in the supermarket or the brand of chocolate syrup that the other prefers.

 

As the five of them step inside the grocery, all the small habits and little details slip between them, their old selves communicating with the other like they always do—in silent glances and nonexistent words.

 

The kids are pushing a cart of their own and are going around the aisles by themselves, and Jaebum and Jinyoung are getting the important stuff as they walk on different shelves. Jinyoung gets the boxes of cereals, and Jaebum goes down the dairy aisle to get that milk that tastes the best with the cereal, or so Jinyoung once made him believe years ago. Jaebum gets the meat, and Jinyoung grabs the spices that Jaebum always uses on them. They go at it for minutes, the two of them alternating on pushing the cart and checking on the kids.

 

It’s with years of being together that they can go around the supermarket without losing sight of each other with practiced ease, and Jaebum hopes it’s _this_ easy to go back to where they used to be.

 

“Hyung, ice cream?” Jaebum is looking at the toys that he’s planning to buy so he could use to distract the kids later when he’s hiding the extra boxes of cereals when Jinyoung’s familiar soft voice calls for him, and he sees the younger holding two cups of ice cream with a shy blush on his cheeks and the tips of his ears. “Mint chocolate?”

 

Jaebum takes it with trembling hands, muttering a bashful _thank you_ as he mouths toward the side of the cart where he slipped in a softbound book. “I saw it on the latest releases, and thought you might want it.” Jinyoung doesn’t say anything, but he pulls out the book and tells Jaebum he’d look for the kids, his eyes never leaving the book as he turns it over to read the summary at the back.

 

* * *

 

Two nights later, Jaebum comes home to Jinyoung lying on the couch with Nora on his chest, and his heart contracts a little too much when he sees the younger wearing his oversized navy blue college hoodie, the sleeves creating the illusion of paws on his hands and the hem barely above Jinyoung’s knees.

 

“Hyung?” Jinyoung calls with a gentle frown, and he suddenly goes pink when he sees Jaebum staring at his hoodie, giving him a once over. For the first time since Jinyoung went back in their apartment, Jaebum catches sight of _his_ Jinyoung. Not the underlying emotions on his actions, nor on the fondness of his chaste touches as they overcrowd an area in the apartment. _His_ Jinyoung is there, wearing his old clothes like he usually did, petting his cat like he always did, and resting comfortably on the couch like he should do.

 

“I’m going to bed,” Jaebum rushes and runs to his room without looking back, closing the door with a loud thump to cover the loud thud of his heart falling on the ground.

 

Jaebum wants to cry, but his eyes don’t want to. Jaebum wants to shed tears for all the dreams that crashed because of the breakup; he wants to spill his guts out for all the pain that he brought upon himself for causing their relationship’s downfall; and Jaebum wants to physically grip and break his heart so he wouldn’t feel so pained, so hurt, at all the things he and Jinyoung could’ve done but the circumstance doesn’t permit.

 

It’s twelve and a half years’ worth of habit that Jaebum needs to break, twelve and a half years’ worth of love that he needs to let go. It’s his twelve and a half years of life that he has to see gone.

 

How is Jaebum going to kill a love he took great care of for twelve years, five months, and twenty-four days?

 

“Hyung.” Jaebum doesn’t know how long he’s staring at his ceiling doing nothing when Jinyoung’s voice calls him, a soft knock resounding at his door once every call. “Hyung, I know you’re awake. Nora is mewling.”

 

Jaebum doesn’t want to get up because he’s not sure how broken and vulnerable he looks at the moment, but he can’t have Nora crying over him as well, so he gets up and opens the door slightly, only allowing a small space to let Nora in.

 

“Hyung—“ Jaebum doesn’t wait for Jinyoung to finish before he’s pushing the door close, but “—ouch!”

 

“Shit,” he panics, opening the door to see Jinyoung nipping at his fingers that definitely got hit by the sudden force he had on the door. “I’m – fuck, I’m sorry, baby.”

 

The two of them freeze simultaneously, the pain momentarily forgotten as Jinyoung swallows thickly, watching Jaebum carefully as if he misheard the endearment that Jaebum still hasn’t gotten rid of.

 

“Hyung,” Jinyoung says softly, his swollen fingers reaching up to steady Jaebum’s face that can’t quite look at his face.

 

How can Jaebum look at Jinyoung and stare at his love-filled gaze that’s definitely a misinterpreted pity for how he looks right then?

 

“Don’t look at me,” he says, sounding so defeated. But Jinyoung doesn’t listen as he turns his head to look at him, and Jaebum wants to punch something, _anything_. “Don’t—“ Jinyoung is crying, and Jaebum wants to get mad at him for his audacity to look like he’s in so much pain, but he can’t ignore the overwhelming love he still feels for the younger after all those months of him being with Mark.

 

 _Just once_ , Jaebum tells himself, _let me be selfish for once._

 

Jaebum is sure it’s him who dives down and kisses Jinyoung first, but it’s definitely Jinyoung who whimpered against his lips, tugging his hair as he pulls him down and tilts his head to deepen the kiss, his tongue insistent against the seam of Jaebum’s lips.

 

In between kisses, Jaebum can hear the unsaid apologies and unspoken sorry’s. As Jaebum pulls Jinyoung towards the bed, he can feel Jinyoung calming the tension in his body and relaxing his nerves, his palms caressing soothingly on Jaebum’s skin under his shirt. They’re used to each other’s body, can maneuver around the room while still attached to each other by the lips and the hips. Jaebum knows how hard to tug Jinyoung’s hair without hurting him, knows where to bite that’s just ticklish enough to make Jinyoung squirm, knows where to press to have Jinyoung writhing against him.

 

They’re lying on the bed and making out slowly with him half-naked atop Jinyoung where he’s trapping the younger with his knees and forearms when Jaebum pulls away. He stares down at Jinyoung, wiping the tears down his cheeks and kissing his eyelids, before planting a soft kiss on his forehead and burying his head by his shoulder.

 

“We can’t,” he says with so much difficulty, and he doesn’t know how Jinyoung reacts because he stays nuzzled in the younger’s skin for a few minutes, calming himself down before he can face the younger again.

 

When he looks up, Jinyoung is hiding his face with his arm, his forearm pressed on his eyes. He doesn’t flinch when Jaebum stands up, doesn’t even look when Jaebum pulls the drawer by the bedside table open, and doesn’t even say a thing when Jaebum closes the door behind him with Nora in tow to sleep on the couch, leaving a blue velvet box by the lamp.

 

* * *

 

Jinyoung met Mark in Australia.

 

Jaebum knew Mark Tuan, because he was a friend and a son of a professor in Jinyoung’s university in Australia, though Mark was just there for a visit as the elder had a veterinary clinic in California. At first glance, Jaebum knew what pulled Jinyoung towards Mark—the elder’s fluffy white Maltese that he always had anywhere he went.

 

Mark _was_ a friend when Jaebum knew of him, until he suddenly became _that friend_ whose name was always on Jinyoung’s lips and his funny stories. Jinyoung spoke fondly of Mark—more than he talked about Jackson or the kids, but a little less than how he’d talk about Jaebum.

 

Jaebum knew that Jinyoung loved him more than their distance allowed them to express, but it’s the proximity that Mark had an edge of over Jaebum.

 

Jinyoung broke up with Jaebum five months and twenty-four days after their twelfth anniversary.

 

Actually, May 24 wasn’t their anniversary as boyfriends; it’s the first day they met, but somewhere along the way, the boundary between being best friends with benefits blurred with that of being officially dating. They didn’t know when they started telling other people that they were _boyfriends_ and not just _best friends_ , so instead they chose to celebrate their relationship on the day they met. (Jinyoung had a reason as to why he insisted on celebrating on the 24th of May, but he said it one drunken night and Jaebum couldn’t remember.)

 

“I am not happy anymore” were Jinyoung’s exact words, the younger sitting cross-legged and anxiously fiddling with his fingers as he watched Jaebum pace around in panic, before he froze in shock and what might have been a five-minute coma.

 

“Are we breaking up?” was Jaebum’s dumb first reaction, and he almost crumbled down the carpeted floor when Jinyoung nodded, muttering a soft apology before he exited the apartment. Jaebum didn’t know if Jinyoung went back to Australia or went to LA with Mark that night, but he later found out that the younger went back to Australia to finish his post grad, before he flew back with Mark to LA.

 

It’s months later, with no words nor emails nor messages exchanged, that Jinyoung told Jaebum _thru a formal email from his university email account_ that he’s coming back to get his things.

 

Jaebum was expecting himself to scream at the younger with so much pain and anger in his heart, but as Jinyoung stepped inside the house after typing in _their anniversary_ as the password to Jaebum’s door, he couldn’t feel remorse. He couldn’t feel the pain and the ache and the anger. Jaebum only felt the endless love, the overwhelming longing.

 

What Jaebum had with Jinyoung was so wonderful, so amazing, that he couldn’t bring himself to hate Jinyoung for letting go, for breaking up with him. He couldn’t get mad even though the younger didn’t give him the explanation he deserved, couldn’t get angry even though Jinyoung left without a word.

 

Jinyoung left the next day after their intimate encounter, not even staying for two weeks like he said a few days back, and Jaebum could only throw the velvet box unbothered by the fact that he could buy a house and a car and probably give a scholarship plan to the three kids with the price of the ring inside. Still, it took Jaebum five more months before he told Ayeon (and Brian through the video call) and Jackson about the breakup.

 

“It just happened,” Jaebum says. Jackson looks highly mortified, while Ayeon and Brian are exchanging weird glances, probably sending each other codes about how Jaebum sounds so stupidly heartbroken at the moment.

 

“And you didn’t tell us when it happened?!” Jackson screams, and Jaebum subtly covers his left ear before the younger male’s high-pitched voice deafens him. “Took you five months to tell us?!”

 

“I don’t want it to sink in yet,” he confesses, eyes wary of the concern from his friends. “Saying it out loud would confirm it’s real, but I couldn’t do that yet. And then I realized five months is enough lying to myself.”

 

It’s hard to imagine a life without Jinyoung, a life without the person he loves the most, a life without the person he would do anything and everything for. Jinyoung, who supported all of Jaebum’s ambitions and endeavors. Jinyoung, who sang the high notes of Jaebum’s favorite songs with him on late nights. Jinyoung, who made Jaebum realize that it’s a talent to cook with the younger clinging onto him. Jinyoung, who spent hours enduring a movie that only Jaebum appreciated. Jinyoung, who Jaebum shared with sneaked kisses in the library and quickies in boring corporate parties.

 

Jinyoung, who slow danced with Jaebum at 3 AM, sang the lyrics of the English love songs to Jaebum’s ear, and held onto him tightly as he kissed Jaebum’s neck, jaw, cheeks, and lips.

 

And Jaebum knows Jinyoung loved him, maybe not as much as the way he did, and maybe it’s only a matter of time before Jinyoung forgets about him, but Jaebum is sure that he’ll remember Jinyoung forever. Jaebum is sure that he will never forget Jinyoung, and he’s sure that no matter where he is, he’ll still think of Jinyoung and smile.


End file.
